Like in the game of dominos, all actions have ripple effects. And after chiseling away on my brick wall, I realise that my problems started long before I was 14. It was only at the age of 14 that I started acting out, due to the fact of me being a young "woman". I have suppressed so much of what has happened to me, it is only afterwards that I realise where my true problems lie, and where everything, and I mean everything, came from.
It sounds like such a cliché to say that I was bullied or left out. Especially in an International School where people came and left all the time. I was an outsider long before the girls in my class had grown boobs. I have grown to understand that girls, any age and anywhere, are vicious. I pray to God that if I have children: PLEASE ONLY BOYS! Girls are just plain mean. And how parents can support their children's decisions sometimes, is beyond me. But humans are not perfect.
Looking back, I don't see myself as having a bad, or sad, childhood. I had parents who loved me, and I loved back, a big sister who I adored and wanted to be exactly like and a baby brother who I loved to boss around. Who could have asked for more?
Keeping in mind that I went to the same school between the ages of three to 18 (that is 15 years at the same school) and from my graduating class I believe we were about seven or eight, that got the long lasting award (meaning that we had attended the school for at least 10 years, I think). Thats quiet a big group, in a school where students come and go all the time. That is seven or eight people that could have influenced new students in a different way than what they did. Again, I am not pointing fingers because children don't know better, but I am just stating that throughout those 15 years no one helped me (except my mother). As a child or young teenager, not being invited to the slumber parties and birthday parties and all these other parties that were held, scars you. Especially when my own mother finds out about it and has to call their moms and ask why all the other little girls were invited and why I was not. Girls are vicious. There was a group of three girls, and these girls could make the devil roll over in his gave, if he has one. I think from 4th, 5th and throughout Middle School; these girls were the bullies. Like Heidi Klum in Project Runway, these girls decided whether you were in or you were out. And you guessed it! I was OUT.
I remember walking in the corridors in 6th grade and one of the girls pushing me against the lockers. And saying it was an accident when I "told" on her. Come on!
We never had the stereotypical bullying that they have in movies; where the bully pushes the nerd up to the locker and takes the lunch money and gives them wedgies, etc.. This was psychological bullying. The aim of the game was to do as much harm without actually touching the person. Bare in mind that when I was growing up, the internet had just started. Hotmail, MySpace and MSN/AOL was life. And I believe that in my school, or Middle School, I was one of the first kids to be a victim of hate mail/Cyber Bullying (I will elaborate more on this in another post).
To put things into perspective, my mother had to remind me of this, to show you at what extent I have suppressed my memories. And looking in to these memories is probably the hardest thing I have chosen to do.
I have such a hard time writing about this because I do not see myself as this person anymore. I do not see myself as having been bullied because I have put it in my past, but I think that it is a story that needs to be told. Whether it happened when I was seven, nine, 12, 13, 15 or 16 years old bullying of some sort existed, the age does not matter. I had friends, but as I said, at my school people came and left, and once I had found a friend, they had to move.
Until now, I have not realised to what extent this has scared me. Putting it into words, it sounds so incredibly childish. This is of part of my life that has had a continuous ripple effect. The fact of not being invited to these parties has given me a constant fear of missing out, so my solution has been to go out.