Chapter 2 : How I became who I am

My story started when I was 14. 

I have always been the type of person to push the limits and it all started when I entered high school. Of course, me being who I am, I had to start everything off by dating a senior. And though I say that he was my first love, at 14 you don't know what LOVE is. 

Going in to high school with an older boyfriend was of course not liked by a lot of people, hence, I was disliked. I am not going to lie, I was not the most innocent girl either. I was 15 and pushed the limits. I was this little blonde, Swedish girl and I loved all the attention, especially from boys... but at the same time, what girl does not. Even if I could go back and do things differently - I wouldn't. But ever since my first year in high school I have lived with the fact that people dislike me, without knowing me, and now I am used to it. 

I think that most rumours about me started from the moment that realised the power of the female sexuality - I just used/abused it in the wrong way. I have never been a girls girl. I have never gotten along well with girls and that is just a fact. So when I found this new "power" I stopped caring about what girls, my age or older thought, and only cared about what boys thought about me. I have done a lot of mistakes, but I do not regret any. They have made me stronger and they have taught me that only the weak will talk about you. I think being 14 year old girl is hard for anyone, but it is even harder when groups of 14 year old girls gang up against you just because you have different interest. Maybe if these girls would have treated me or girls like me in a different way, things would have been different, but that is not the case. But in my case, not being accepted by the girls started long before high school... I mean my mom had to call the other moms because all the girls were invited to the birthday parties and I was not. It is so childish to blame it on that (and I am not out to blame) but this is probably how my insecurities started, and my dislike to having girls as friends. 

 

 

With the best role model in the universe. My mother. She deserves a medal for everything she has stood up with through out the years. 

I remember it getting to a point that I wanted to move to Geneva, because I could not stand being at my school anymore - because I did not have friends. I do not remember coming home crying (even though I probably did once or twice), I will have to ask my mother... For a fact: I went to the same school from kindergarten through graduation, and I was still the one that had to seek new friends all the time, because I never found anyone that understood me, and who I am (until 11th grade). I think that I have gone through life so far being very alone, I have a family that loves me (and I love them too) and now I have an amazing group of friends that care about me. But I have never really told anyone how I became the person I am today (even though I am a very open person), I don't really think that anyone can understand it. I think that I have built up such an emotional wall that I do not want burden with people - because I now that I am starting to pull apart the bricks, there are a ton of crumbs that are falling down. And this is extremely hard for me - and I don't know if anyone actually reads this, but I come with a lot of emotional damaged. 

 

Due to my actions, or how I dealt with the consequences of my actions, I probably grew up faster than I should have. But I also had no one around me that understood what it was that I was going through. No one should dread going to school and face their classmates, just for the simple fact that they are going to talk about the amazing party they had that you were not invited to. It is so childish, but I am talking about high school, and back then, the outside world did not exist... yet. I remember girls coming up to me and telling me how I should act, and how I should change, and then turn their back and talk about me. I think that every high school needs that one girl that stands out as an outsider, without actually being an outsider, and that girl was me. I was the girl that everyone loved to talk about and everyone loved to spread rumours about. I am a true believer in peer-pressure due to the fact that before turing 16, I had heard so many different types of name calling and rumours about myself that I started believing it. I thought ok well if that is what people are saying, well then it must be true. And instead of pushing away from it, I started believing it and living it. High school is a horrible place.

 

As I said, I have built up a wall, these things don't hurt me anymore, but for the people that thought that my life was so much more fun to talk about than their own, and who went on to tell their parents - who then told mine. You did not hurt me. You hurt my family. I became this person that will not show you it hurts me (even if it does), and due to this my whole family suffered more because of it. And I do not regret anything, but this I do regret. I know the people who did this, and they know it too, you did not hurt me, you hurt them, and for that I will never forgive you. You can not say that we were worried about you so we told our parents and then go back to school and talk behind my back, and push me out. There is no logic. You are just hurting innocent people that would have been better off not knowing the rumours and name calling. 

 

I am not saying that I was innocent - because I think that we can clearly state that I was not. But I don't think that anyone deserves to have had that happen to them. I know that I am not the only one out there with this story, there were girls before me and there were/are girls after me that are going through the exact same thing, and I want you to know, you're not alone.

I am ending this post with that I think (know) that my ghosts from high school are still a very big part of me, because I never started making it easy for myself. I made myself easy, thinking that that was the only thing I was worth. For young and impressionable girls, the most important lesson for them is that of self worth and self love. They start high school off by saying you should not party and not have sex until you're married (joke), but the most important lesson for girls is THEIR value, mind and body, and how important they are as individuals. 

 

More of my high school years will be up shortly.

 

xxx

Amanda